Cancer

Ever since the diagnosis of me possibly having parotid cancer that’s may have metastasized to my cervical lymph nodes brought me much anxiety and fear. I still wanted to deny the fact that there must have been a mistake and that this is probably just a benign tumor x 2. But the more I gone back to reread the diagnostic imaging that was done to confirm such diagnosis – I began to question ‘why me’? I was in my second year of nursing school and was set to graduate next year in October. My life was barely starting and now this. My fears begin to eat me away. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted answers to the question ‘why me?’. I wanted to know how I deserve this or the what ‘if’s’. What if that time I felt the bump on my neck and went to the doctor instead of waiting. What if I didn’t negate my health, would it have not been malignant to this point and I wouldn’t have such bad anxiety and fear of the thought that the cancer cells had already spread to every part of my body? Even though the doctor hasn’t 100% confirm that it’s cancer, there’s a gut feeling in me that’s thinking the worst.

I’m afraid.

I don’t want to take a term off from school to deal with my health because it would put me behind my cohort. I want to continue but each day is an inner battle. I question every little aches and pain while trying to wait patiently and anxiously for my testes and imagines. I became a hypochondriac questing every little lumps and bumps thinking the worst that maybe the cancer had metastasis.

I desperately try to go on with my daily activity, that includes going to school, studying for test and quizzes. I try to put a smile and hope that I may be able to wake up from this dream that all seems unreal, but when I do wake up the next day and looking in the mirror seeing the lump on my neck was just a reminder of the news I receive. I was trying to stay strong to maintain an optimistic mood, but there are days where I just want to give up. Where I had enough and want them (the doctors) to just give me the surgery to remove this lump on my neck so I can go on with my life, but that was not possible.    

And so here I am, feeling the need to tell someone. To let go of my feelings. To express the fears that I tried hard to hide every day since I receive the new. There are days where I felt so helpless trying to figure out if I am going to live or die. I think about my husband, my life, my career, my parents, the life I dreamt of and the family that I am not sure if I would one day have. It is crazy to think that at age 27, in good standing health, never smoked nor was a big alcohol drinker and with no family history of cancer I was the one to being diagnosis

But I guess, my life is worth me fight for. I will not stop. I will be strong for the one I love and lived for. My dreams are bigger than cancer (if it is) and I will fight to the end.